Depression Sets In

As I boarded the train to Hajdusamson - also known as "the small station of Debrecen" - an even greater sense of sadness possessed me. I felt very alone and depressed, having to face the unknown far away from my warm and loving family. The train moved along noisily, taking me further and further away from my carefree childhood years. As the train slowed down, I peered through the open window, my gaze falling on an elderly lady's face. I had never seen her before, but my instincts told me that this was Aunt Irene. I stepped down from the train uneasily, and Aunt Irene kissed me. I felt fear and coldness towards her from the moment I met her.

I had to stay with her for two short years, which seemed endless and unbearable at times. My ominous premonitions turned out to be too true. I had to attend one more year of school - for which she did not buy me the necessary books - but I finished with excellent marks anyway. I was a skinny girl, and Aunt Irene stuffed me with food. She also ordered very nice clothes for me. I appreciated that, but still was never able to warm up to her. Our inner worlds were too far apart, and I had to suppress my longing for my parents, my friends, my former surroundings and my freedom. I felt like I was in prison; it was a most unfortunate situation for me.

In the beginning, she occasionally invited girls my age to make me feel somewhat comfortable, and would let me visit my friends twice a week, Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Those were my few happy hours. Other than that, I had to be with her all the time. She was a highly religious lady, praying for hours in the morning and afternoon, even reciting prayers meant mainly for men. Some people nicknamed her the ["Pacsik (bowing) Lady"]. It was embarrassing to hear this from my friends, and I felt personally insulted whenever I heard this. I never told my aunt about her nickname.

To a certain degree I felt even sorry for her. She was a deeply religious saintly woman. She gave charity to many of the town's low-income poor Jewish families and to relatives too. Since I joined her, Irene sent my family twenty pengo - about $10 at the time - each month, which took care of the rent. But I could have earned much more than that working at home, and already was. My mother thought it would be better for me to stay with my aunt.

My aunt subsequently did not let me visit friends. I had to stay home with her all Saturday and Sunday afternoon. When the weather was nice in the summer, we would take short walks and then sit inside the house. When it rained we would sit for a while by the courtyard.

Life beside her turned very dark for me and I almost forgot how to smile. Life with her was sad. I felt like I was in prison. She dominated me, as I lived in constant trepidation.

© David Muskal, 2001